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Sarah
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Sarah


Posts : 1733
Join date : 2009-06-08
Age : 32
Location : England

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PostSubject: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyMon 15 Jun 2009, 5:14 am

Post anything you find in e-mails that you like. Smile

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Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It
Is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
All about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
Blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
To you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
Answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words' In five years, will this
Matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone for everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
Didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
Ours back.

41.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


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A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, 'God , I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors..
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the
Table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy
man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to
Be famished.

They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their
Arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a
Spoonful.

But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the
Spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

God said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as
the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the
holy man's mouth water.

The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the
people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand..'
It is simple,' said God . 'It requires but one skill.

You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of
themselves.'

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
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Jessai'e




Posts : 29
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 43
Location : Florissant, Mo USA

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PostSubject: Re: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyMon 15 Jun 2009, 2:36 pm

These are awsome flower
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Sarah
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Sarah


Posts : 1733
Join date : 2009-06-08
Age : 32
Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyMon 15 Jun 2009, 2:40 pm

This came on an e-mail to me today:

Friends are like buttcheeks, crap might separate them, but they always come back together.'
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Jessai'e




Posts : 29
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 43
Location : Florissant, Mo USA

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PostSubject: Re: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyTue 16 Jun 2009, 3:27 pm

ok this might be quite heathen of me but i got a few chuckles >>


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak , so after mass he asked the monsignor wot to do. the monsignor replies " when I'm worried about getting nervous on teh pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to teh waterglass. if i get nervous, i take a sip."

So the next Sunday he too the advice. As he grew nervous he tooks sips, and proceeded to talk up a storm. After mass he found a letter on his office door that said:

1. Sip the vodka, not gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 diciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donky, he didnt bet his arse
6.We dont refer to Jesus Christ as teh late J.C.
7. The Father, The Son, and The Holy ghost arn't refered to as the Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he didnt kick the s**te out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donky, don't say he was stoned off his arse.
10we dont refer to teh cross as teh big T.
11.When Jesus broke bread at teh Last Supper he said "Take this and it it for its my body" he didnt say"eat me"
12 The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with a Cherry"
13The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub -a-dub dub thanks for teh grub, yeah God.
14 Next Sunday there wil be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. taffys.



I got this crazy email last year *lol*
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Sarah
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Sarah


Posts : 1733
Join date : 2009-06-08
Age : 32
Location : England

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PostSubject: Re: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyFri 06 Nov 2009, 3:42 am

I got this from my Gran today, it made me laugh.

Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What do they tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What's it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than Buffalo Shite Lone Ranger. ............ It means SOMEONE STOLE OUR TENT."
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ilaita

ilaita


Posts : 1380
Join date : 2009-06-14
Age : 36
Location : Italy

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PostSubject: Re: E-Mails   E-Mails EmptyFri 06 Nov 2009, 7:33 am

^ Laughing
a few time ago i found this:(it made me laugh a lot!!)
"THE POSITION"
This is dedicated to women around the world who have used a
public toilet and you men, to let you understand why we stay in too
much.
The great secret of all women is that when you are a little
girl your mom took you to the bathroom, cleaned the palette, it
covered the perimeter with toilet paper and then I explained: "Never
NEVER rely on the toilet "and then showed you the" position "that
how to balance doing as to sit on the toilet without
that the body is in contact with the palette.

"The position is one of the first lessons of life of a child,
important and necessary, must accompany the rest of
life. But even now, as adults, "the position" is terribly
difficult to maintain when your bladder is about to explode.

When "must go" in a public bathroom, you find yourself with a tail
women that makes you think that inside there's Brad Pitt. Then you add
good to wait, smiling amiably with other waiting
they, too, with legs and arms crossed. It is the position
Journal of 'me I'm doing them. "

Finally it's up to you, but my mother always comes with "the child
small that it can no longer hold back" and take the opportunity to go
forward both!

Then check under doors to see if there are legs.

Are all busy. Finally it opens up and throws him to
person leaves. Come in and you realize that there is not the key (there is
never), no matter ... Hang the bag on a hook on the door, and if not
is (no never), inspect the area, the floor is filled with liquid
not well defined and do not dare to place it there, so you hang the neck
It is very heavy, as it is full of things that we've put in, the
most of them do not use but to keep them because you never know.

Returning to the door ... Since there is no key, you must keep it with
one hand while the other will drop his pants and assumed "
position AAhhhhhh ... ... finally ...

At this point my legs begin to tremble ... because you're suspended
in air, knees bent, your trousers down you
blocking the movement, his arm outstretched which is strongly against the door
and a bag of 5 kilos around his neck. Would you like to sit, but you
had time to clean the cup or to cover with paper, in
you think that nothing happens but the voice of your mother
resounds in the head "do not ever sit on a public toilet", so
remain in the "position", but for a small miscalculation
fountain splashing on your socks! You're lucky if you wet the
shoes. Keeping the "position" requires great concentration. For
away from the mind of that trouble, try the paper roll
toilet maaa, geez ...! there is none ...! (never).

Then I pray heaven that among those 5 pounds of junk that you
held there is a poor Kleenex, but to try you leave
go to the door, thought for a moment, but you have no choice. And
just leave the door, and you qualcunola pushes a brake
sudden movement, otherwise all you will see semi-sitting in the air
pants down. NO!
Then shout "B-U-S-YYYY!!!",
continuing to put out the door with his free hand, and at that point by
assume that all those who are waiting outside and they heard
now you can leave the door without fear, no one will dare to open it
new (for us women that we respect very much) and you forgive
search for the handkerchief, would you use them a couple but you know what can
be useful in cases like these and you settle for one, do not know
never. At this very moment the light turns off automatically, but in a
cubicle so tiny you will not be so hard to find
switch! Rekindle the light in the hand of the tissue, because
the other supports his pants, counting the seconds you have left for
get out of there, because you sweat on his coat that had nowhere
hang and because this place is always a terrible heat.

Not to mention the bump caused by the stroke of the door, the pain
neck to the bag, the sweat flowing on your forehead, the sketch
stockings ... the memory of your mom...she's very ashamed
to see you, because her seat has never touched the palette
a public restroom, because they really "do not know how many diseases you may
get you here. "

But the debacle is not over ... six exhausted, when you stand
no longer feel your legs, you pull up the coating quickly and above
flush!

If not you rather not go out more to the bathroom, which
shame!

Finally go to the sink. It's all full of water and you can not
support the bag, I'll hang the shoulder, do not understand how
works on the faucet with automatic sensors and touch everything until
is finally able to wash your hands
a position from Hunchback of Notre Dame for not dropping the bag in
sink, the towel is so low that you end up drying
hands in his pants, because you do not want to waste another for Kleenex
this!

Exit passes all the other women who are still waiting with
legs crossed and at such moments you can not smile
spontaneously aware of the fact that you have been there forever
inside. You're lucky if you do not go out with a piece of toilet paper
attached to the shoe or even worse with the zipper down!

Go out and see your boy is out of the bathroom for a while and
has remained even time to read War and
Peace while you waited. "What did you take so long?" asks
irritated.
"There was much tail" you just respond.

And this is why we women go to the bathroom in groups,
for solidarity, because it keeps you a bag and coat, the other
you keep the door and the other will pass the Kleenex under the door;
so is much easier and faster because you must focus only
maintain "the position". And dignity. Laughing
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